I’ve been down in the dumps for personal issues which I blogged some about. But my road tripping and moments away from things have helped me form a little chamber of reflection on things.
My little songbird will be getting a more detailed and in-depth version of this. I feel with the blogging as therapy model this is good stuff to toss out.
So a fight started, and the fight started because I acted out of fear. Here however is the catch that a long car ride taught me. It wasn’t the fear I thought was on my back that was monkeying me at all. The irony of this is the fact my dear song bird’s coping strategy was best described as taking a little cooling off point and talking. There are some problems with how she did it and what went from there…. But I’ll get into that more with her.
The thing was I was afraid to do what she normally did in these sort of situations largely because I’ve been rightly against it when she did it and it lead to some bad. But as some one who has drank booze for medicinal pain relief in the past I should know some times a thing which can be an unhealthy practice or behavior can be healthy when used a different way.
So I was afraid, and I really thought it was because I was afraid of losing her. It made sense that’s what was troubling me, but emotions are a lot like water sometimes and what you see on the surface may be truth or it may be a mask for something deeper in the ocean
(please not if my metaphor fails in natured hey I was trying to sound cool and enlightened with it not accurate to nature)
And how the fear struck her she was struck by the fear I did not see… and I did not see the fear cause I had financial anxieties, I had family I was dreading seeing, and I had a situation with gamers I really didn’t want to be with coming up. The tension, and anxiety I was in helped to blind me some what to how I was feeling and what was leading me down the primrose path to the slaughterhouse.
I thought I was afraid of losing her, but as the incident filtered into my mind in my drive I came to realize that was not it at all. I lost her once, though not by my own choice in the matter. And while losing her by my choice a rather dreadful concept wouldn’t be much different if I did it for the right reasons. But I said it to her when we both took this turn down the road again…. When we broke up I was mad at her most because she burned the bridges and made it impossible to stay friends.
The problem was trust, but sadly not that I didn’t trust her. If it were something like that then it would most certainly be an easy problem to solve…(well relatively speaking) but the problem was more that I was afraid I’d have to not trust her again. I don’t use the word Trust lightly. On two hands I can count the number of people I trust with my own sense of the word, and on one hand those people who still have earned by trust. But she was getting returned to that most inner council by me. Something no one has ever done before.
The more I become desirous of her, the more I feel those old parts of my mind turn on and flutter from the very sound of her voice I come to realize that the way things ended between us was harmful to me in ways I never realized. But this little funk I’ve been in by the hands of these events has given me a sight at a problem I did not fully understand….
I’m not taking back what the fear motivated me to do because fear, even an irrational fear is a tool to be used to help you grow and develop as a person. I understand to that I can’t let the fear take control of things like it did last time. I can’t let miscommunications grow and fester and build into new wounds.
This first real drag out fight shows me both how far I’ve come with her and how far I need to go with her. I hope tonight I can talk to her about all this, but If not we can work on it tomorrow maybe or hopefully with some good news from her down the week to help with it.
I love this lady a great deal and I love her patients with me when it is most needed.